Struggling but making things happen

It’s been some time since I updated my blog and I sincerely apologize to anyone who visits. I have had some ups and downs since my last post. At the beginning of this journey, I was adamant to share my story and I still am. However, I have realized I need to pace myself because part of my PTSD can easily be triggered by remembering past events. I do know how important it is to “talk about it” so I’m not going to allow my PTSD to get in the way of my goal. I will continue to share my story, the struggles and everything I conquer!

I never realized that a person struggling with PTSD can also struggle with commitment issues. When you think of PTSD the main things that come to mind are; nightmares, anxiety, irritability, flashbacks, hard time sleeping to name a few. Right? I’m bringing this up for a reason, I’ll explain toward the end.

PTSD involves many symptoms that can and do interfere with relationships. I can say this to be 100% accurate because I live it daily. The main issues I have emotionally battled with myself are; emotional closeness, communication, and responsible assertiveness. Whenever a conflict arises I respond to it from a sense of responsibility and my need for control. When this happens your significant other may feel controlled as a result. I am currently working on this because to be part of a relationship you need to focus on what you can do for each other. Do you know what this action does in return? You start to feel like your doing something productive and you feel joyful. It’s always… always the little things that can truly bring you joy. I recommend that you find ways to bring happiness and joy into your life. PTSD is going to keep sneaking back around. So when you set yourself up with goals of achieving things that make you happy. I know that it will help you with those dark days.

I am so extremely happy to announce I am getting married next month! Why am I sharing this news? Well, it pertains to PTSD and my journey. This is where I explain my point about commitment issues. I have been engaged for almost 3 years. I am now able to truly understand why I was never in a “rush” to get married. It all boils down to “giving up control” If you have PTSD, you may not be aware of how your thoughts and beliefs have been affected by trauma. For instance, since the trauma, you may feel a greater need to control your surroundings. That’s exactly what I have been doing with my relationship subconsciously. I am absolutely happy that I took this time to figure this out for myself. I wanted to be in a better headspace and begin a path of healing. I can honestly say that this “healthy path” I am on has been worth everything that I have gone through. I feel like a better person and my heart is happy. When my heart is happy my emotions begin to match. Please watch my video “PTSD emotions not matching my brain” so you’ll understand the importance of being alert about your emotions.

So I leave you with this… be happy… be joyful… understand yourself… and take your time! It’s ok to take your time and learn about yourself.

Support and a Positive Network

One of the best things I have learned through my journey is having a strong support system with positive people by your side is a MUST. I kept using the excuse that I’m an introvert and that no one understood me. Yes, I am a bit of an introvert and no one understood me because I didn’t allow anyone to close. I needed to recognize within myself when I truly needed alone time and when I need someone by my side to talk to. I can’t promise it will be easy but I can tell you from experience. When you find the right people in your life. Things become more clear and easier to handle.

Finding friends and family who can relate to you and what you’ve been through is difficult. That’s okay because we all have been through different walks of life. We can’t possibly make someone understand the shame, guilt, and ugliness that we feel inside. So it’s up to us to find people who can relate. In my city, I have been unable to find any support groups to attend. It made me a little sad and frustrated at first. Then I had a light bulb moment. If I’m trying to share my story with the world. Why can’t I find other people who struggle with PTSD, anxiety, and depression? In 2016 we have the power of research and the World Wide Web. I’m surprised at all the groups I found, how quickly I felt welcomed, and how many connections I’ve made. The groups I have found are on Facebook. Go to the top of your page in the search bar and type short keywords like PTSD support, child abuse survivors, adult survivors of child abuse, anxiety, and depression support, anxiety help, etc… After you enter the keyword make sure you’re searching under the “group” tab to find all the groups using those keywords. Join multiple groups to find the right ones for you. Please be discreet and do not give out your personal information. Stay safe and don’t fall into vulnerability situations.

You are NOT alone and there are others struggling who also need a listening ear just like you. Let’s build each other up. Let’s not shy away from each other and engage in what could be long-lasting friendships. For a very long time, I felt I had nothing to offer anyone. That’s until I started to believe in myself and the person I was meant to be.

Yes, what happened to me was horrible but it doesn’t define me. I was stuck in this vicious cycle of hopelessness. I was crying out for help deep down inside. I am not that little girl anymore. I am a strong, caring, empathetic woman who is thriving each and every day. I am on a mission and a path I never thought I would be capable of traveling. I have no idea where this will end or what doors are opening up for me. All I know is that I want to be an inspiration and empower others to take back control. You are Beautiful!

My First Vivid Memory

I remember my first vivid memory of what I know now to be abuse and neglect. Those who are supposed to love and protect you are actually your abusers. My uncle used to put beer in my baby bottle. I remember him and his friends laughing as I ran around drinking beer. I was so young and so innocent. Even though I didn’t know what was right or wrong. Instinctively I sensed an uncomfortable feeling as I became older. Why do cruel people like this exist in this world I ask myself!

I do remember a point in time where I was very close to my uncle. It saddens me to know now that the reason was not because of love. He was is a sick individual and even though we are biologically related. He is not welcomed in my home or anywhere in my vicinity. Luckily, when I was placed in a foster home. I was saved from him and his sickening ways or so I thought… I will write in a later post about my last encounter with him when I was 17 years old.

A very young child who is exposed to molestation will automatically perceive this type of sickening “action” as love. This happened to me and yes I am very angry. But I want to move on from the damaging internal feelings I have inside me. I have 36 years of long-lasting effects on my mental and emotional health. I am at a point in my life where I so strongly want to help others. The only way I can truly do that is by beginning with myself. Mentally and emotionally I can’t be strong and supportive for anyone if I can’t be strong for myself. This is why I am on this journey to find myself and to be a better and healthier me.

Now as an adult knowing what happened to me and this specific incident has given me a purpose in life. It concerns me that there are others like me out there. I know exactly what it feels like to keep everything bottled up inside and never tell a soul. This is honestly too much for anyone to handle alone. I chose to keep it a secret, I chose not to talk about it and I chose to try and ignore it. Why? Because the trauma is too much. Plain and simple.

Yes, it is possible to ignore it and you think you’re living life because you’ve buried it deep down inside. Take it from my experience… you are not living life to the fullest. There is always something inside you that doesn’t feel right and eventually, it manifests itself in many, many different things. It may become anger, guilt, shame, introvert, social anxiety, neediness, alcoholism, drug addiction, gambler, promiscuity, and the list goes on. It changes the person you were meant to be in this life.

Remember I am still going through this journey myself right at this very moment. The difference now is that I want to fight these feelings and emotions. I’m ready to fight!

If you’ve been sexually abused or molested in any way that makes you feel uncomfortable. Please tell someone!

It’s ok to seek help

Since my recent decision to share my story. I’ve also decided to seek counseling help through this journey. I’m not sure if when I really begin opening up and sharing all the details of the abuse, molestation and rape incidents. If I will start feeling depressed, anxious or triggering my PTSD. Therefore I am taking the necessary steps to take care of my mental and emotional health.

PTSD and Triggers

I was molested as a child and the emotional wounds have affected me into adulthood. I did not trust the people and my surroundings. I also have issues with emotionally connecting at times. I’ve learned to shut down as a coping mechanism. I still struggle until this very day. The only difference is now I recognize some of the damage. For example, if I hear someone drop a fork (I know that sounds silly) in another room. I am instantly on high alert and asking “what is that noise?”. My tone can come across as aggressive and that’s due to being on high alert and/or scared. To some people, it may come across as angry or annoyed. This is a PTSD trigger that I learned about myself.

I also get easily startled and it brought out this fire of anger inside me. Literally, I would get angry if someone came into the same room as me and I didn’t know they were entering. It’s like my mind was so concentrated on something else and just the surprise of anyone coming in made me very uneasy. Even if it was a person I knew. For those first two seconds, I could feel my rage inside me manifesting. The rage was from the anxiety…of the “unknown” and not feeling secure. It’s amazing to know this stuff about myself as I travel on this journey.

PTSD is not always this big scene that some people do truly endure. There are different levels of post-traumatic stress disorder. Mine manifested into anger because I always hid mine from everyone. I was scared and for many years I didn’t know I had PTSD. It took me seeking counseling to understand why my emotions always seem to have a mind of their own. I was scared of my child being taken away from me. I was scared of people’s reactions. I was scared to be labeled as having a mental illness. I was scared, to be honest with myself. Truth is… Yes, I have a mental illness!

This is the first time I am publicly accepting and acknowledging that I have PTSD. This will be a long journey but I know I am on the right path.

If you’re reading this I want to leave you with a few more words. Always be kind because it’s very true when they say “You don’t know what others have gone through” and are still struggling with. Take the time to ask a friend, family or co-worker if they are doing okay.

I never want anyone to feel alone like I did for many years. Please seek help, talk to someone who you trust or someone that just makes you feel comfortable. Express yourself and don’t be too hard on yourself. It is NOT your fault and you matter. Invite someone into your life to help you when you need it!

If you don’t feel like you have anyone to talk to you can always message me. I am not a counselor but I will be there for you and offer suggestions. I will help! I really do mean this and you can find me through any of my social media pages from my Contact Page.

About Me

I’m a birth mother to two wonderful & amazing teen boys. I am marrying the most loving and supportive man this year. YAY!!! 💏👰💍 2016 is my year to become braver and stronger. My goal is to Empower others who struggle with trauma. As a child, I was abused, raped and neglected. I also endured the most difficult choice of placing my son for adoption. This is my Truth and I am no longer going to stay quiet or feel ashamed! I am sharing my story, my struggles and my journey of healing. My childhood years were filled with Ugly memories and my teen years I made Bad choices. Now I am living a Good life and making my adult years the Greatest!