I was molested as a child and the emotional wounds have affected me into adulthood. I did not trust the people and my surroundings. I also have issues with emotionally connecting at times. I’ve learned to shut down as a coping mechanism. I still struggle until this very day. The only difference is now I recognize some of the damage. For example, if I hear someone drop a fork (I know that sounds silly) in another room. I am instantly on high alert and asking “what is that noise?”. My tone can come across as aggressive and that’s due to being on high alert and/or scared. To some people, it may come across as angry or annoyed. This is a PTSD trigger that I learned about myself.
I also get easily startled and it brought out this fire of anger inside me. Literally, I would get angry if someone came into the same room as me and I didn’t know they were entering. It’s like my mind was so concentrated on something else and just the surprise of anyone coming in made me very uneasy. Even if it was a person I knew. For those first two seconds, I could feel my rage inside me manifesting. The rage was from the anxiety…of the “unknown” and not feeling secure. It’s amazing to know this stuff about myself as I travel on this journey.
PTSD is not always this big scene that some people do truly endure. There are different levels of post-traumatic stress disorder. Mine manifested into anger because I always hid mine from everyone. I was scared and for many years I didn’t know I had PTSD. It took me seeking counseling to understand why my emotions always seem to have a mind of their own. I was scared of my child being taken away from me. I was scared of people’s reactions. I was scared to be labeled as having a mental illness. I was scared, to be honest with myself. Truth is… Yes, I have a mental illness!
This is the first time I am publicly accepting and acknowledging that I have PTSD. This will be a long journey but I know I am on the right path.
If you’re reading this I want to leave you with a few more words. Always be kind because it’s very true when they say “You don’t know what others have gone through” and are still struggling with. Take the time to ask a friend, family or co-worker if they are doing okay.
I never want anyone to feel alone like I did for many years. Please seek help, talk to someone who you trust or someone that just makes you feel comfortable. Express yourself and don’t be too hard on yourself. It is NOT your fault and you matter. Invite someone into your life to help you when you need it!
If you don’t feel like you have anyone to talk to you can always message me. I am not a counselor but I will be there for you and offer suggestions. I will help! I really do mean this and you can find me through any of my social media pages from my Contact Page.