My First Vivid Memory

I remember my first vivid memory of what I know now to be abuse and neglect. Those who are supposed to love and protect you are actually your abusers. My uncle used to put beer in my baby bottle. I remember him and his friends laughing as I ran around drinking beer. I was so young and so innocent. Even though I didn’t know what was right or wrong. Instinctively I sensed an uncomfortable feeling as I became older. Why do cruel people like this exist in this world I ask myself!

I do remember a point in time where I was very close to my uncle. It saddens me to know now that the reason was not because of love. He was is a sick individual and even though we are biologically related. He is not welcomed in my home or anywhere in my vicinity. Luckily, when I was placed in a foster home. I was saved from him and his sickening ways or so I thought… I will write in a later post about my last encounter with him when I was 17 years old.

A very young child who is exposed to molestation will automatically perceive this type of sickening “action” as love. This happened to me and yes I am very angry. But I want to move on from the damaging internal feelings I have inside me. I have 36 years of long-lasting effects on my mental and emotional health. I am at a point in my life where I so strongly want to help others. The only way I can truly do that is by beginning with myself. Mentally and emotionally I can’t be strong and supportive for anyone if I can’t be strong for myself. This is why I am on this journey to find myself and to be a better and healthier me.

Now as an adult knowing what happened to me and this specific incident has given me a purpose in life. It concerns me that there are others like me out there. I know exactly what it feels like to keep everything bottled up inside and never tell a soul. This is honestly too much for anyone to handle alone. I chose to keep it a secret, I chose not to talk about it and I chose to try and ignore it. Why? Because the trauma is too much. Plain and simple.

Yes, it is possible to ignore it and you think you’re living life because you’ve buried it deep down inside. Take it from my experience… you are not living life to the fullest. There is always something inside you that doesn’t feel right and eventually, it manifests itself in many, many different things. It may become anger, guilt, shame, introvert, social anxiety, neediness, alcoholism, drug addiction, gambler, promiscuity, and the list goes on. It changes the person you were meant to be in this life.

Remember I am still going through this journey myself right at this very moment. The difference now is that I want to fight these feelings and emotions. I’m ready to fight!

If you’ve been sexually abused or molested in any way that makes you feel uncomfortable. Please tell someone!

PTSD and Triggers

I was molested as a child and the emotional wounds have affected me into adulthood. I did not trust the people and my surroundings. I also have issues with emotionally connecting at times. I’ve learned to shut down as a coping mechanism. I still struggle until this very day. The only difference is now I recognize some of the damage. For example, if I hear someone drop a fork (I know that sounds silly) in another room. I am instantly on high alert and asking “what is that noise?”. My tone can come across as aggressive and that’s due to being on high alert and/or scared. To some people, it may come across as angry or annoyed. This is a PTSD trigger that I learned about myself.

I also get easily startled and it brought out this fire of anger inside me. Literally, I would get angry if someone came into the same room as me and I didn’t know they were entering. It’s like my mind was so concentrated on something else and just the surprise of anyone coming in made me very uneasy. Even if it was a person I knew. For those first two seconds, I could feel my rage inside me manifesting. The rage was from the anxiety…of the “unknown” and not feeling secure. It’s amazing to know this stuff about myself as I travel on this journey.

PTSD is not always this big scene that some people do truly endure. There are different levels of post-traumatic stress disorder. Mine manifested into anger because I always hid mine from everyone. I was scared and for many years I didn’t know I had PTSD. It took me seeking counseling to understand why my emotions always seem to have a mind of their own. I was scared of my child being taken away from me. I was scared of people’s reactions. I was scared to be labeled as having a mental illness. I was scared, to be honest with myself. Truth is… Yes, I have a mental illness!

This is the first time I am publicly accepting and acknowledging that I have PTSD. This will be a long journey but I know I am on the right path.

If you’re reading this I want to leave you with a few more words. Always be kind because it’s very true when they say “You don’t know what others have gone through” and are still struggling with. Take the time to ask a friend, family or co-worker if they are doing okay.

I never want anyone to feel alone like I did for many years. Please seek help, talk to someone who you trust or someone that just makes you feel comfortable. Express yourself and don’t be too hard on yourself. It is NOT your fault and you matter. Invite someone into your life to help you when you need it!

If you don’t feel like you have anyone to talk to you can always message me. I am not a counselor but I will be there for you and offer suggestions. I will help! I really do mean this and you can find me through any of my social media pages from my Contact Page.

About Me

I’m a birth mother to two wonderful & amazing teen boys. I am marrying the most loving and supportive man this year. YAY!!! 💏👰💍 2016 is my year to become braver and stronger. My goal is to Empower others who struggle with trauma. As a child, I was abused, raped and neglected. I also endured the most difficult choice of placing my son for adoption. This is my Truth and I am no longer going to stay quiet or feel ashamed! I am sharing my story, my struggles and my journey of healing. My childhood years were filled with Ugly memories and my teen years I made Bad choices. Now I am living a Good life and making my adult years the Greatest!